Do You Ever Want To Scream Loudly?
Sometimes I want to scream so loudly the entire universe can hear me. I want to stomp my feet, shake my fists, bare my teeth, and generally throw a tantrum. I don’t want to hold in the frustration I feel because it’s ugly or it might be frightening. The 3 year old still lives in me and she wants to be heard sometimes.
Last week, I was so proud of myself because I search for and ordered on Amazon a stability ball that I wanted to test out before recommending it to others. I was like a kid waiting for my new toy to come. I just knew this ball was going to be the perfect ball and I was impatient to get it. I think the excitement was heightened because it took me so long to figure out Amazon with my screen reader. I felt like a proud 3 year old.
Well, the ball arrived and it was awful! Don’t get me wrong, I know that in the huge scheme of things having to return something to Amazon is trivial and really isn’t worth fretting over for even one second. I am not a small-minded person, but in that moment all the anger, frustration, and anxiety reared up like a dragon. I was triggered in a big way. I was mad at Amazon, the stability ball, VoiceOver, and especially all the people who gave this ball such glowing reviews. I was really being pretty ridiculous. I chose to allow myself to throw a tantrum. I said a lot of bad words and wrote a few panicked e-mails before I told myself to “get over it!”
I am well aware that the tantrum was not really about a disappointing stability ball. That would truly be ridiculous. It was about me feeling out of control. It was about my impatience with the slowness and tedium of being blind. I feel like I could get things done so much faster if I didn’t need to fight the accessibility wars. I just get mad sometimes.
Throwing tantrums is not normally my style and it is never a good idea when other people are around. I do believe that letting the enraged 3 year old have a voice when it is safe to do so is a healthy way to acknowledge the anger and fear that comes with tough life challenges. What helps me the most when I get triggered is to talk to someone I trust, someone who can help me reframe and redirect my thinking. If you do not have a person or group who can hold the space for your 3 year old and your grown up self, I have found many supportive groups on FaceBook and many other groups on the internet. Go find them!
By the way, the ball mentioned here is the ball I mention in the podcast#9, so don’t order that one. Wait until I find the best ball for us.
Mel Scott BlindAlive, LLC Founder and President BlindAlive.com Facebook Twitter LinkedIn